flow
enter the flow of life
spinning, twirling, effervescent, evanescent
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free falling
here i am
free falling
sideways
through time
nothing to
hold on to
just space
passing through
whoosh!
my hair swings
toward the past
as if
there was
such a thing
another snapshot
infinite polaroids
stitched together
breath by breath
like a long scarf
the kind
they wrap
around poles
to make them pretty
and still
i’m free falling
prancing sideways
through time
even
past death
and
into
eternity
helpless
my mother is losing her mind
like a broken typewriter
clacking away randomly
furiously
pages and pages
of nonsense
she is walking in tight circles
one she drew in the ground
with her own fingers
while lamenting the world
she can no longer
participate in
all the ways we’ve tried
to lead her away
seems useless
she comes back
and resumes tracing
that circle
eyes down
feet dragging
heart filled with anxiety and dread
following the line
that doesn’t go anywhere
my heart breaks
she is slipping away
unrecognizable
a hand reaches out
from the dark
wanting help
but instead pulls me in
i tear away
the instinct to protect myself
and the instinct to bond with mother
at odds
i am powerless
i am angry
i am furious
i am crushed
i cannot save you
i can only watch you drown
or look away
unmothered
i cannot remember
feeling the cocoon of safety
in your arms
the warmth of reassurance
when something bad happened
i wish
i could recall
the press of your cheek
the promise of protection
the strength of a mother’s will
the squeeze of your hand
in understanding
i wish
you didn’t just do
his bidding
i wish
in those moments
of confusion
of pain and cruelty
of helplessness
that you chose
me
instead of sacrificing
your lamb
in the name of marriage
I wish I could have counted on you
to feel my pain
to gather me in
to have my back
to figure out a way
to give me what i deserved
as a joyful child
innocent
vulnerable
needing to be seen
and loved
i tried to be strong
to forget
i needed you
pretended i wasn’t broken
when you needed me
i was too proud
to admit
i didn’t matter
enough
to my own mother
all these years
i tried
pretended we were that
giving
what i desperately
wanted to receive
blind to see
that we never did
have that kind
of relationship
so today i grieve
and all the tomorrows
may this recognition
help me uncarry
this fruitless seeking
may i hold me close
and offer safe harbor
may i make it felt
that i matter
may i choose me
again and again
may i know tenderness
and feel the
contentment
of knowing
i’m loved
