unmothered

i cannot remember
feeling the cocoon of safety
in your arms
the warmth of reassurance
when something bad happened

i wish 
i could recall
the press of your cheek
the promise of protection
the strength of a mother’s will
the squeeze of your hand
in understanding
i wish
you didn’t just do
his bidding

i wish 
in those moments
of confusion
of pain and cruelty
of helplessness
that you chose 
me
instead of sacrificing
your lamb
in the name of marriage

I wish I could have counted on you
to feel my pain
to gather me in
to have my back
to figure out a way
to give me what i deserved
as a joyful child
innocent
vulnerable
needing to be seen
and loved

i tried to be strong
to forget
i needed you
pretended i wasn’t broken
when you needed me
i was too proud
to admit
i didn’t matter
enough
to my own mother

all these years
i tried
pretended we were that
giving 
what i desperately
wanted to receive
blind to see
that we never did
have that kind
of relationship

so today i grieve
and all the tomorrows
may this recognition
help me uncarry 
this fruitless seeking
may i hold me close
and offer safe harbor
may i make it felt
that i matter
may i choose me
again and again
may i know tenderness
and feel the 
contentment
of knowing
i’m loved